Now accepting applications

In light of the recent move, I have had several friendship positions open up. I am now accepting applications for full & part time friends. *Benefits included.

Personal information:

Full Name:
Date of Birth:
Mothers Maiden Name:
Social Security #:
Credit Card # and Expiration:
(A small nominal fee will automatically be withdrawn from your bank account each month to cover your friendship dues.)

General information:

I am seeking a permanent position Yes____ No____

Present or Last Friendship: _______________________________________

Reason for leaving (if applicable)____________________________________

Available start date:__________

(must be willing to work holidays, late nights, and weekends)

Have you ever been convicted of a crime? __ Yes __ No

If yes, explain number of conviction(s), nature of offense(s) leading to conviction(s), how recently such offense(s) was/were committed, sentence(s) imposed, and type(s) of rehabilitation.
________________________________________________________________________________

Please list your areas of highest proficiency, special skills, or other items that may contribute to your abilities in performing this friendship position. ________________________________________________________________________________

How do you feel about sarcasm?

Sarcasm is scar-casm_____ I’m neutral____ It pleases me deeply _____

Please rate your level of expertise in the following areas on a scale of 1-10:

Back rubs ______
Foot rubs ________
Courtesy laugh ______
Home cooked dinners______
Awesomeness ________


Multiple choice:

1. If it was 11:37 pm and I called in need of a pseudo therapy session would you:

A. Accidentally hang up on me and then accidentally forget to place the phone back on the receiver.
B. Answer the phone but say, “Tank you fo calleen Wongs Café. You like some ham fry rice too-ni?”
C. Forward all my calls to my cell phone.
D. Answer the phone and counsel. All those hours of watching Dr. Phil are about to pay off.

2. “Hey [insert applicants name here], do these jeans look too tight on me?”
Your answer would be:

A. Pfft, no! Don’t you watch the Jonas Brothers? Tight is good.
B. Sa-weet! Jeans that double as spandex!
C. It’s not that those jeans look too tight on you; it’s just that you should probably put them back in Abrie’s closet.
D. So, is a camel toe just as lucky as a rabbit’s foot?

3. I’m in desperate need of a night out, do you:

A. Suggest a late night grocery shopping trip.
B. Offer to let me come over to your house to watch your kids.
C. Suggest a late night grocery shopping trip and then offer to let me come over to your house to watch your kids.
D. Kid nap me and take me to the local cold stone, because nothing fills desperation and boredom up like a large 'gotta have it' chocolate ice cream (and diet coke).


*Benefits include being my friend, killer Sunday roasts, your own special ring tone, finding a place on my top 10 speed dial, and earning the title of Breast Friend.

Please send all applications ATTENTION:Ginnie
All applicants will thoroughly be reviewed and considered.
Flattery will not ensure a friendship position, but it may increase your odds.
Bribery also helps as well.
So does chocolate.

And pedicures.
And those yummy lil' smokies smothered in BBQ sauce.

And maybe a sonic strawberry limeade with the perfect crunchy ice.

And diamonds, lots of diamonds.

* * * * * * * * * * *