My Husband the Narcoleptic part 2

As promised, the highly anticipated incriminating pictures of my poor, tired, unsuspecting husband. An equally funny sequel to "MY HUSBAND THE NARCOLEPTIC PART 1". Try as he may, this boy just cannot stay awake. Now I'm not insinuating that my dear, sweet husband is lazy by any means. He just is, well...conscious impaired. Or perhaps he has become ever so skilled at faking asleep just to get out of me asking him to do things (he's smart like that). Whatever it may be I still love him regardless. He is a very hard worker and he studies hard. It can't be easy living the eternal life of a student. If you think of it this way, he has been going to school for almost 25 years straight. Soon enough it will be coming to an end, but until then I will continue to entertain you at the expense of my husband.

Nate, falling asleep doing dental work with sharp tool in hand (hope he doesn't startle easy). No worries, I highly doubt this would happen on an actual patient... at least I hope not.

Nate, falling asleep on the floor because that's the most comfortable place to sleep (not really, it's terrible and it wreaks of old nasty apartment, but he doesn't seem to mind it. And don't mind the mess. The maid wasn't able to come that day)

Nate, falling asleep after a long day at church. It's hard being so spiritual, it takes a lot out of a man (or woman). Now that I think of it, it's surprising that I don't get as tired that often.

Nate, falling asleep spooning the stair...hmmm?

Again, Nate falling asleep doing dental work. Actually, this is the only picture where he's warranted to be sleeping. It was, after all, 2:00 in the morning (I was out with some of the girls). His heart was in the right place trying to stay up for me, but the poor boy didn't stand a chance.

I decided to post a couple of other non-Nate related pictures so my husband wouldn't feel totally singled out.

Kaleb, falling asleep while eating chocolate. I panicked at first glance thinking something was terribly wrong with him, but nope, just melted dark chocolate spewing out of his mouth (I know it looks a lot worse).

And last, but most definitely not least;

I like to call this picture sleeping beauty. Look at the calmness and serenity in my face. All nestled in and dreaming peacefully. This picture was taken almost 7 years ago when Nate and I first got married (you can tell by the bangs. That was definitely not a good bang day). I'm not sure what possessed Nate to take this picture. Perhaps it was the fact that I looked like an angel sleeping there with my *Blankie tucked around my head like a halo.

This, my friends, is the first and last picture Nate has ever got of me asleep. That doesn't mean that I don't nap, that just means that Nate's far more considerate than I am, but we already knew that.

*Laugh if you must, but truth be told I had a blankie that I slept with every night wrapped around my head in that very same position. I finally got rid of it about a year after we were married ((sigh)).

My Boy Kaleb

I was sitting on the couch when Kaleb came up up to me, climbed on the seat next to me, and wiggled in for a little snuggle. Although he can be very mischievous and naughty, he can also be very loving and sweet. I decided to take advantage of his loves and I snuggled him right back. Then he looks up and me and says ever so sweetly (and with a smirk),

"Mom,...my fingers in my bum!"

(giggle, giggle)

Oh, how I love Kaleb! One thing is for sure, there's never a dull moment when he's around.

Let's play a game...

Debuting for the first {and hopefully last} time on my blog is (say it with enthusiasm)...

WILL. IT. DIGEST!

If any of you took a psychology class in either high school or college, you might remember learning about Freud's stages of development (exciting I know, trust me it's about to get better). Well the first stage in development is the oral stage. What goes in the hand usually goes straight in the mouth. Well, in Macie's case, what goes in the hand, goes in the mouth, goes in the stomach, and out into the diaper. To quote Forrest Gump but with a twist -changing Macies diapers is like a box of chocolates....you never know what your going to get.

So thanks to Macie & her amazing digestive system, the game WILL.IT.DIGEST! was born. Here's a list of normal, non-edible, everyday items that I've found in her diapers.

Now on with WILL.IT. DIGEST!

Crayons- not digestible

Stickers- partially digestible

Foam- not digestible

Paper- almost digestible

More crayons- still not digestible

Wrappers- digestible

Books- digestible (kind of)

Sand- definitely not digestible

Dirt- not digestible

Small rocks- not digestible

Chalk- almost digestible

Flip-flops- not digestible

Bouncy balls- not digestible

Kitty-litter- not digestible, but very hard to see

Tin foil- definitely not digestible

A handful of craft beads- 100% non-digestible

And last, but definitely not least.

We have not 1, not 2, not even 3, but 4 of these jell type cockroach sling shots! Check out the size of the suckers!

These are, without a doubt, 110% non-digestible in any way or form. I found 4 of these little, actually, not quite so little buggers in her diaper...WHOLE! I about died seeing what had just come out of my little child. Then my thoughts went from amazement to -how the heck did she not choke on these bugs. Obviously they were quite easy to swallow seeing as she ate 4 of them. Oh, my child! I'm surprised she's still alive or doesn't have some rare disease with the things she has eaten. And it just keep escalating. She keeps moving up to bigger and better things to swallow.

So here's a couple of other things she has tried to eat, but failed to do so.

She's tried many times to eat her crib, but her attempts were foiled when I put masking tape around the edges. Odds are she'll find a way to eat the tape too.

Then we have the batteries from my remote. It is probably one of her favorite things to chew on. She's pretty naughty about it too. She will grab the remote when I'm not looking, run out of site and bang the back of the remote so the batteries fall out and then shove them in her mouth...she's a sneaky little poo.

Batteries I'm sure would not be digestible and they probably wouldn't come out as easy as say, 4 toy bugs.
So before you run off and start diagnosing my child, just know that even though I find this quite amusing, I'm actually quite worried and I will be following up with my pediatrician. And I do try to watch her as close as I can, but she's a fast little sucker.

It's kind of funny, I've always said that Macie's my best eater, she'll eat just about anything. Ha, that couldn't be more true.

And by the way, the next stage of Freud's development is the anal stage (not to be gross, this is merely for educational purposes only. I just like to keep my readers informed). I'm hoping that we can just skip over the anal stage, since what goes in must come out. I isn't that like killing two birds with one stone?

Thanks for playing my little game of WILL.IT.DIGEST! I hope you enjoyed it half as much as I did.

M.I.A (Missing In Action, for all you acronym illiterate people out there)

I've been neglecting my blog, but for a good reason. I've been busy. No, not spending more time with my family...let's not get too crazy here. I've been spening lots of time

HERE

(my photog-blog)

Here's a one of my favorite pictures from my most recent shoot. The classic child in focus with parents off in the distance adoring their child...precious, I know.

Maybe one of these days I'll get my own family pictures done.

I've lost my voice...

...the kids are going crazy, Kaleb's being naughty. and I can't yell. They are definitely using this no voice thing to their advantage. This is how the conversations are going in our house today;

Picture this -Kaleb moving the coffee table a good 6 feet away from the couch, then attempts to fly like "super naked man" (I've tried to explain the superman is always fully clothed but he begs to differ). I enter the room and with a feeble attempt yell, "Kaleb stop that right now" instead of yell it was more of an inaudible whisper. "What mom? I can't hear you !" Kaleb taunts as he knows I can't yell and he finds it quite entertaining (payback I'm sure, for making him share his "bone in narrow"). I make another attempt to speak, "do you want a spanking?" (sorry to all the anti-spanker's out there, but I do spank Kaleb every once in a while. You can officially take me off the list of perfect parents if you haven't already done so). Kaleb continued his super hero flying skills, again using this prime opportunity of having a mom with no voice to his advantage. I raise my hand and take a step towards him as to show I mean business. He quickly flies off the couch standing a safe distance away, and shakes his little bum in my face doing the old, "Na, na, na, na,na...you can't get me!". Well, my voice might not be working, but my legs sure do.

After our little dispute we reached an agreement, we was going to listen and be good and I was going to be happy. I return to the kitchen to finish cleaning when again I hear the table being moved and little fit stomping upon it. I turn the corner only to find Macie on the table with Kaleb on the side coaching her on how to get the perfect air. I was able to intervene before Macie took flight.

Honestly, it's hard enough to mother imaginative, energetic, athletic, inventive, crazy kids. But to do it with out a voice...that's a whole other challenge.

I must add though, losing my voice has not been an entirely miserable experience. Abrie this morning said, "Mom don't worry, I'll get my own breakfast this morning...you need to rest". I'm thinking I should milk this for all it worth.

Catching up...

I took these pictures about a month and a half ago. They make me laugh so I just had to share.

It was a beautiful day so I was outside with the kids enjoying the nice weather. Kaleb announced that he had to go potty so I told him to hurry and run up stairs to use the bathroom. A couple minutes pass and he's still not out. Another couple minutes pass, and again still no sign of Kaleb. So I get up and go in search of my mischievous little boy.

As I walked up the stairs I notice that my downstairs neighbors door was wide open. I peeked my head in and said a quick hello to see if anyone was there -no answer. Someone was up to no good and I was pretty sure that someone was Kaleb.

I close the neighbors door and quickly go upstairs. I was on a mission, in search for Kaleb to see what no good deed he was up to. I called out his name and there was no answer. I looked in all the rooms and couldn't find him. Suddenly I could hear a loud chewing sound coming from underneath my coffee table. I looked under the table only to find this naughty little boy and a stack of sucked on lemon heads. Kaleb had snuck inside my neighbors house and stole their box of candies and was eating them as fast as he could trying to get rid of the evidence. I quickly sat that boy on a chair and gave the quick lecture on committing minor misdemeanors. He sat there for a second in silence and then said to me with a groan, "Mom, I don't feel good. I fink I'm gonna frow up...I ate too much candy". My response was, "Good! that's what happens when you steal candy".

I'm afraid this boy is going to have a long juvi record before the age 6.

Next we have;

A boy and his toy...the bond between Kaleb and is "bone in narrow" is an inseparable one. Kaleb, suddenly approached by a neighbor girl asking him to share, is defiant. He's not going to be giving up his precious "bone in narrow" any time soon. The fight begins...
Kaleb starts pacing -the internal debate continues. To share or not to share, that is the question.
Again, the neighbor girl more persistent and starting to chase Kaleb- he's not amused. There might be a melt down.
Close call. Kaleb was able to grab hold of his emotions, but still emotions are running high. Kaleb, getting more irritated by the second of the persistence of this little girl, starts to retaliate. (Actually, I can't blame him. She is kind of annoying, but how could I pass up this valuable opportunity to share...even with people you can't stand. And I have to admit it was kind of funny & very entertaining) Finally I intervene. Kaleb had no other option to share or his precious "bone in narrow" will be doomed to the top of the fridge forever. My threats held strong and Kaleb starts to cave... After a long standoff (and some more threats) Kaleb gives up. The battle is lost, his efforts rendered useless. He grudgingly hands over his prized possession feeling the sting of defeat. Kaleb walks off the battle front defeated -"bone in narrow" lost, but dignity intact. (and I'm sure plotting his next attack in retaliation)As he walks away he flashes a "rock on" sign. Or perhaps it's the superman sign and he's just waiting for me to leave so he can unleash his superhero powers on this poor unsuspecting girl.

Now I'm off to read a book on how to raise a strong willed child. (I need all the help I can get)

Black Sheep - not just another scary movie

Nate and I saw a trailer for this movie the other night. I thought it was too funny not to share.

You thought you were safe on the farm? Think again. I would love to meet the creative geniuses that came up with this plot. It must have taken them countless days of getting high and drunk to come up with this winner of a movie. Talk about violence of the lambs. Counting sheep at night will never be the same.

Trick-or-Treat!

I must confess that I am not a huge fan of Halloween and my poor kids have to suffer the consequences of that. My only Halloween decoration is one lone ceramic pumpkin set in the middle of my kitchen table. I keep telling myself that I will like Halloween much better when I have a house, but then again I tell myself that almost every thing will be better when I have a house. Sadly I'm sure this is not the case but please don't burst my little bubble. I have 8 more months of telling myself that little lie to keep me going until Nate graduates.

I managed to throw some costumes together (thanks to Grandma J. & Jamie for helping with the girls little Indian burlap dresses). Pretty much all you see here is ghetto at it's finest, I spared no expense for my kids costumes this year.

First we have Abrie (Pocahontas) sporting a stylin potato sack with a little Indian-ish looking ribbon tied around her waist to give it that extra little something with a matching headband and two bright feathers stapled on (you didn't know the stapler was a multi-functional tool did you). And check out those locks. That is a custom made yarn wig made by yours truly, not only am I great with a stapler but I'm very domestic as well...Nate's one lucky man. And last, it's all about accessories with her blue diamond Pocahontas necklace, which in fact looks nothing like the one the Pocahontas had on in the movie but don't tell Abrie that.

Next we have Kaleb dressed up as a cowboy/policeman/mountain boy. He is wearing a Toby Keith cowboy hat from Walmart (I'm all about the names brands...it's a hot item among the white trash community). Again, we have a little vest made out of a potato sack...the possibilities of what you can make with a potato sack are endless. Then I just tied a red bandanna around his neck to add some flare and then finished it up with a dollar store assault weapon. We made a deal, he could carry around the gun as long as he kept the rest of the outfit on...let's just say it was a win, win situation.

Here is Kaleb in character... the ultimate cowboy/policeman/mountain boy!

(I'm not quite sure what this face is)

Here are all the kids. Abrie's Pocahontas, Macie's sad attempt at a Native American (the politically correct term as my Indian neighbor from India pointed out), and Kaleb still in character as his cowboy/policeman/mountain boy.

I decided this year to not completely be a bum so I dressed up as well. You can take your pick of a cowgirl, Carrie Underwood, the bad Sandie from Grease, or a Utahan. All of which, were stellar ideas from other people. The Utah one is my favorite. Check out the height on that hair, I mean seriously, what Utahan wouldn't die for that kind of volume.

Last we have Nate my hill billy, redneck husband and his custom made jacked up teeth...all I can say is he looked nasty in a hot cowboy with crooked teeth kind of way.

Here's a close-up so you can get the full effect of the nasty-ness of his teeth...So ugly!

The whole fam

Check out those jeans on Nate. Talk about HOT! If you're thinking they look kind of feminine that's because they're MINE. It's kind of sad when your husband looks better in your jeans than you do.

Just thought I would finish this post off by a close up of my awesome hair-do. I'm not sure what that face is, but check out that amazing muscle control on my upper lip...now that's talent. My hair had so much volume that the next day (even after sleeping on it) when I went to pull it up it automatically assumed the big hair position by sticking up a good 3-4 inches above my head.

I hope everyone else had a happy Halloween!

A case of the quesadilla's

While we were in Utah Macie came down with a bad case of diarrhea due to her strict diet of apples and unfortunately, not much else.

Well not too many days later Abrie had to use the bathroom. When she came out she had a look of disappointment on her face;

Abrie: "Grandma, I can't eat apples any more."
Grandma: "Oh ya, why is that"
Abrie: "I think I have the quesadilla's like Macie has"

I'm afraid that diarrhea will forever be referred to as "the quesadilla's" in our family for now on.

Eating Mexican [food] will never be the same.

"Congratulations, you have the 3 most annoying kids I have ever seen!"

This was not the comment I was expecting, especially after I had just endured a long 8 hour day of waiting in the airport and being stuck on a plane with three small kids. I was thinking something more along the lines of -Congratulations, you made without killing your kids and yelling profanities... all without a taking a Valium- would have been more appropriate. I felt as if I had just been slapped in the face. Who does this man think he is? I felt a knot in my throat and swallowed it down as to show no sign of emotion. This cruel mans unsolicited opinion was the last thing I wanted on the last 5 minutes of my anxiety ridden day.

After the shock of this mans harsh words wore off I was able to respond back. Being kind and slightly sarcastic I replied, "WOW,... that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me!" He wasn't quite sure how to respond to that, "Ya, well those kids were screaming and kicking the seats and..." I tuned the rest out. I think he managed to throw the word brats in there. While he was speaking I thought to myself that if I new this man was going to be the spawn of Satan I would of had Kaleb kick the seat more often and a little harder. The whole thing was happening in slow motion. Why couldn't I just hit fast forward and not deal with this...at least right now (or ever for that matter), especially while my emotions were running high. By this time this man had managed to get every ones attention that were standing around waiting to get off the plane. Every one was staring at me, there was not a hole deep enough that I could have crawled into to escape this embarrassment. If there was ever a good time to yell TERRORIST! or BOMB! now was the time. Anything to get the attention off of me.

I looked at this man after he said his cutting words, my face still in shock and disbelief. And believe it or not, still with a forced smile (it's a curse, I usually laugh or smile when I'm trying not to cry) I said, "Well you know what?, I think they did pretty dang good considering they've been on an airplane all day long AND I'm flying with them all by myself!". With more frustration than before than man lashes back, "Ya, well you shouldn't be able to fly with those kids", I respond back, with peering eyes every where, "Ya, well unfortunately I have no choice and after all YOU were the one that chose to sit by ME". The comment that I really should have said was -Ya, well I wish I didn't have to fly but my Mom just died I'm going to her funeral- (sorry mom, your name was just the first to pop into my head) or -I wish I didn't have to fly by myself, but my husband just died two week ago- (sorry nate, again, just the first name that popped in) Awww, that would have been good. It would have made him look like more of an idiot and make me feel a whole heck of a lot better even if it was a lie.

Then he made some other snide remark, too insignificant to remember or blocked from memory because it was too hurtful...take your pick. Then I asked, "Do you have any kids?" (mind you, I'm still completely calm and polite, showing no signs of the tears that were welling up in my eyes) "YES, I have 5!", I was actually quite shocked with his response. Surely a man this belligerent and rude (and ugly) had never been able to get married due to a complete lack of people skills and the fact that he was, well.... an idiot. So again, very sarcastically and with a half slanted smile I ask, "Are they all as kind as you?". Again another snide and ruthless remark, "Yes, they are and after seeing YOUR kids I feel like I did a pretty dang good job". HAAA, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, not only was this man attacking every thing I am as a person -a Mother- he was attacking my kids. How was it possible that 15+ people could just stand around and witness this man verbally attacking me. Either they agreed with what this man had to say or they were cowardly. Unfortunately, my self-conscious mind leans toward the first option.

By this point the rest of the conversation was a blur. All I could seem to focus on was forcing a smile on my face as best I could and not giving this man the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

Finally, everyone started to file out of the plane. I took a deep breath, gathered up my kids (and what was left of my ego) and boarded off the plane. The whole time telling myself -be strong, be strong- while another voice inside was yelling -SHE'S GONNA BLOW! As I walked by the flight attendant she kindly said to me (not hearing the conversation), "Your kids did such a great job!". I managed to say a quick thank you, while I laugh to myself, she obviously had no idea what she was talking about.

I've said before in a previous post that I tell Nate that distance makes the heart grow fonder. It's always so wonderful to see each other for the first time. This was supposed to be a great reunion, he hugs me and says I missed you, I hug him and say, here...take the kids, I sooo need a break (and that I missed him to of course, but where's the humor in that?). Instead it was quite the opposite. I walk out, see his face...a kind face, someone who loves me, someone who would never hurt me, someone who would do anything in his power to protect me (seriously, you should hear some of the dreams he has about protecting his family. They get kind of crazy). Any way,... all I wanted to do was run to give him a hug and just break down and let out all the days pent up emotions, but I was still under the watchful eyes of the people who witnessed this heated conversation on the plane. The little voice, a little louder, repeats again in my mind stay strong...just make it to the car.

I couldn't even look at Nate, even saying the slightest hello could open the flood gates. Yes, the dam that I had built behind my tear ducts was about to burst, so I kept quite, holding back the tears constantly swallowing down the knot that kept getting stuck in my throat. I did manage to mumble out that no one was dead, and that the kids didn't do anything bad...that was about it.

The walk from the gate, to baggage claim, to the car was a long and awful one. As we walked in silence, scenes kept repeating over and over in my mind of what had just taken place. It was like a bad re-run that I unwilling had to watch. That mans ice cold words kept repeating in my mind slowly and maliciously as the first time he had said it, "Congratulations, you have the 3 MOST annoying kids I have EVER seen!".

Finally the car was in sight, a safe place for me to hide and let it all out...and boy did I ever. Poor Nate, I'm surprised he didn't just leave me on the curb and say call me when you get a hold of yourself woman or slap me and say pull yourself together you crazy lady! No instead he reacted quite the opposite, "Where is that guy?, what does he look like?, I'm going to go punch his face in!" sure, it sound good in theory. I love that he was trying to protect my honor and all, but lets be honest here. The only thing that Nate could ever hurt would probably be a cat (he's not a huge cat fan), but punching an actual person?...the odds of that are slim to none.

So we made it home. The flight was great. I just wish the last 5 minutes had never happened. And I'm trying hard....really, really hard to get over what that guy said to me. Unfortunately it's a lot easier said than done.

No worries, I'll be OK..."I will survive" will just have to be my theme song for the next week or so. And I've got to think of a better name for that guy instead of saying, "that man". It needs to be something better...I think the spawn of Satan has a nice catch to it (Nate's idea). Or I perhaps I could call him "the man who must not be getting any lovin' at home" (maybe that's why he's so ornery). I do have some other choice names I could call him, but unfortunately they all got edited out due to keeping this PG rated. Any other ideas for naming this man would be welcomed.